The Obligations And Limits Of Honor

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The commandment to “honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12) (or parents of whatever gender, presumably) in the Ten Commandments has been used many times as a clobber verse—as a way of demanding obedience no matter what.

So! This seems like an opportunity to look more closely at it—what is the commandment, and what are its limits?

As always, I’m bringing the Jewish perspective, Jewish texts, here. As is the way of traditional Jewish texts, they so often live in this world of male perspective; as always, let's just go with the flow, and assume that its application today might be relevant to (and about) any people of any gender.

We’ll begin with the Tosefta, an authoritative oral tradition compiled in the late 2nd c. CE.

“What exactly are the obligations of the son towards the father? Giving food and drink, clothing and covering, escorting in and out, and washing his face, feet, and hands.” (Tosefta Kidushin 1:8)

Already, we see a narrowing of the concept from the broad notion outlined in the Exodus verse. "Honor," of course, could be and include a million possible things. But here, the Tosefta is saying, make sure this person's basic needs are cared for (if this person can't care for themselves, I think.) The work is concrete. Material. It’s not emotional. It’s not about feelings and does not apply to any situation.

Then we get to the Talmud. So in the Ten Commandments, the word for relating to one’s parents is to honor, from the Hebrew kabed, related to kavod.

This is in contrast to Leviticus 19:3, which states,

“A person shall have awe for their mother and their father,”

which uses the verb tirau, from yira, which could be translated as “awe” or “fear-like-fear-and-trembling”—but not scared fear, more like awed humility. Some translations of yira go with “revere.” Anyway, the Talmud compares the two.