Guest Post: S. Bear Bergman is feeling... inclined

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First of all, I wanted to follow up on last week's post. I knew it would spark a lot of feelings, and it has. Much of the feedback has been positive, but unsurprisingly, some has been from folks who are frustrated that I didn't bring in– well, any number of elements of the larger historical story, of which there are many. A few times within the piece itself I tried to name that it was impossible to hit all the dimensions of the story, but it's also quite possible that I did not communicate effectively, so I'd like to underscore the points I was trying to make over there, in case you were a reader feeling this frustration but did not reach out to share that with me directly:

The piece was never meant to be a comprehensive tour of all the aspects of either of the histories of the US or Israel, nor a detailed accounting of all culpabilities in every direction– or even an observation of every empire that has engaged in either place. Rather, I was attempting to note that

a) Some preconceived ideas that some folks have about Those Powerful Jews Turning The Screws of History (tm) are a lil' misplaced

b) While there are also plenty of differences and nuances between those two stories, there are also some interesting patterns viz Jews and Empire and state power that are worth observing and discussing

c) No matter what other actors or factors might be present, we must keep our side of the street clean– to take responsibility for what is ours to own, to repair what is ours to repair, to do the work that is ours to do. Elul (or, any time, I'd argue) isn't exactly the time to be huffing, "I don't want to talk about my responsibility to others until we talk about what's owed me." Pretty sure that's not what the point of any of this is, y'all.

So that's what I want to say about that.

Now, to the fun stuff:

I've been a fan of S. Bear Bergman's work for, gosh, decades now. From his essay collections to his theater work (sörry, he's in Canada now: theatre work), from starting up a micropress to publish #ownvoices feminist, racially-diverse, 2SLGBTQ+ positive children’s books to, as you'll see below, his irresistible style of advice-giving– it seems that everything he does just oozes brains, heart, soul and menshkeit.

So when his most recent book, an illustrated advice compendium for parents, on the work of parenting, had this delightful section on the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara– the good and evil inclinations, as my tradition calls them– I thought it might be fun to share with you all. They are important all year long, but particularly apt to consider during this Jewy season, as we think about what kinds of choices we have made this past year and what kinds of choices we want to make in the future– what kinds of people we would like to choose to be, to become.

This lil' graphic essay talks about these concepts in the context of raising kids, but, as should be clear, everything he talks about is really about the complicated work of being a person, which, for better or worse, we all have to do. (The prequel to this book– Special Topics in Being a Human– is explicitly about, well, that.)

If you are or love a parent, needless to say, this is great, great stuff. All of it. And! You can use the discount code BERGMAN30 to take 30% off any of his books until the end of October at the Arsenal Pulp Press website.

Special Topics in Being a Parent by S Bear Bergman — Book!

Turning the mic over to Bear:

The Yetzer Hatov and the Yetzer Hara

By S. Bear Bergman

The work of advice-giving - which I love - is complex, in many ways (which is part of why I love it so much). There are many balances to strike: how to write in a way that feels knowledgeable but not judgmental, how to take context and identity into account without accounting for so many possibilities that the advice is so vague it’s useless, how to discern what in my own life is a considered method that supports my values and what is just… my opinion (this is how I ended up writing a parenting book in which a quarter of the chapter headings are “Strong Opinions”). Parenting is a lot of work, and a fair bit of that work is in making decisions: what do I or we want to have happen? How am I or we going to accomplish this? It starts well before a child arrives to a family and carries on… indefinitely, to be honest, though the window of influence is for sure open wider at some stages than others.

Among the things I noticed, as a parent, and wanted to address were the occasions I mentioned or introduced my children and the new person would ask me, “Are they good?”

Or sometimes they would ask the child: “Are you a good girl/a good boy?”[[1]] My response was instinctive the first time and now feels like a statement on my entire orientation to parenting (and life, honestly):

I refute the entire premise.

“Goodness” as measured by obedience is - in my opinion - a terrible way to talk about people regardless of age or success in remembering that we don’t gnaw our crayons, and heavily influenced by the lens of white supremacy and its idea that people must be “good” (and compliant) in order to be worthy of inclusion, or protection, or assistance and that some people are necessarily therefore “bad” and unworthy of those offices of safety and support.

In fact, we’re all everything, all the time.

That is the way people work. We are all, always, both worthy and responsible for continuing to improve. We are all “good” and all “bad,” all thoughtful and thoughtless, all responsible and heedless, all attentive and all distracted, and on and on. That’s the nature of humans.

(For the record, when people ask me if one of my children is “good,” my stock response is to say “They’re perfect in every way,” which I believe is true.)

In thinking about all these kinds of balance, all this talk of “good” and “bad”, I was moved to include a chapter about the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara, a concept that I have found incredibly helpful as a person as much as a parent - the idea that it is expected, human, and perhaps even necessary to have a thought or idea we should not act upon; that having a bad thought does not make us bad people (and that sometimes, it can lead us to a righteous action). Also, correspondingly, that having a good thought also does not necessarily lead us to a righteous action.

The work of becoming an adult is in learning to discern which inclination is speaking and how much heed we should accord it.

I found it an incredible relief as a younger person to know that having an idea or impulse to do something “bad” didn’t make me a bad person.

It was even more of a relief to read these two texts– this Mishnah, commenting on Deuteronomy 6:5 (bold is original text, Roman adds context for comprehension):

One is obligated to recite a blessing for the bad that befalls them just as they recite a blessing for the good that befalls them, as it is stated: “And you shall love God your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might” (Deuteronomy 6:5). “With all your heart” means with your two inclinations, with your good inclination and your evil inclination, both of which must be subjugated to the love of God. (Mishnah Brachot 9:5)

and this Midrash:

Rabbi Naḥman bar Shmuel bar Naḥman said in the name of Rav Shmuel bar Naḥman: “Behold it was very good” (Genesis 1:31) – this is the good inclination; “and behold it was very good” (Genesis 1:31)– this is the evil inclination. Is the evil inclination, then, very good? This is a rhetorical question. Rather, were it not for the evil inclination, a person would never build a house, would never get married, would never beget children, and would never engage in commerce. (Midrash Genesis Rabbah 9:7)

With these two texts together, I see that I am responsible for what I do– for which inclination I follow– and I am also responsible for developing the understanding to see that a “bad” inclination (like, say, the ego of believing I know enough about parenting to ask other people to consider my ideas as a roadmap) can lead to a “good” result (I hope). From both a place of ego and a desire to be helpful, I would like to offer my chapter on the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara for your consideration, with the recommendation that I find it an invaluable framing in my life– and I hope you will, too.

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A chapter cover titled "The Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hara." The chapter is numbered 6, and the artwork features black line drawings of biblical depictions of an angel and a demon. The one in the top left has horns and a sharp tail, adorned with a yellow line drawing of a halo and wings. The one in the bottom right has a halo and wings, adorned with a yellow line drawing of horns and a sharp tail.

In Judaism there's a concept that every person has within them, at all times, two different voices speaking to them: the yetzer tov, or the good inclination, and the yetzer hara, or the bad inclination. It's a common concept (see also: an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other), and many cultures contain it, but in Judaism I think it has particular resonance, because in most cases it is not considered bad, necessarily, to have the urge to do a bad thing, if one doesn't act on it..An illustration shows an ear with a flower piercing listening to two text bubbles. The top bubble reads "The yetzer tov, or the good inclination," and the bottom bubble reads, "and the yetzer hara, or the bad inclination." An illustration shows a person wearing glasses as they listen to an angel with a halo floating above one shoulder and a demon with horns and a sharp tail floating above the other shoulder. A text bubble from both the angel and demon reads, "(see also: an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other)."

This is a framing I find critical in parenting: wanting to do a bad thing doesn't make you bad,and neither does wanting to do a good thing make you good. It's our behaviour that matters, more than our impulses (or even our intentions)..An illustration features a scale with two bowls. One bowl is empty, and the other bowl contains a green feather with the word “Wanting.” The bowls are balanced equally. An illustration features a scale with two bowls. One bowl contains a red feather with the word “Wanting,” and the other bowl contains a green feather with the word “Wanting.” The bowls are balanced equally.An illustration features a scale with two bowls. The scale tilts to the right. The bowl on the left is empty as a feather flies off, and the bowl on the right is weighed down with a feather and a brick labelled “Doing.”.

Because, of course, it's tempting to do things we know we shouldn't,or kicking someone who is acting like a real jerk, and I don't think there's a lot of value in shaming a kid (or an adult) for having the idea to do it. whether that's sneaking extra candy or lying to stay out of trouble, .An illustration shows a child who has climbed on top of a kitchen counter, looking for food in one of the cabinets. Containers of flour and sugar are kept on the counter. An illustration shows two children standing beside the counter in a kitchen. The child to the left points to the child on the right and exclaims, “She did it!” The cabinet above is open.An illustration shows two children in a kitchen. The child on the left kicks the shin of the child on the right, who holds up their hands. They look angrily at each other.

Instead, I appreciate the framing of the yetzer tov and the yetzer hara. Of course the bad thing occurs to you. Of course you might want to skip school, or want to get your iPad in the middle of the night when you know you're not supposed to have it or want to say something unkind when you feel upset. That doesn't make you a bad person; that's just the yetzer hara talking, as it always does.An illustration portrays a child gazing out a school bus window, lost in a daydream of sitting atop a tree with a book.An illustration depicts a child lying in bed, thinking about an iPad with a sun on its screen.An illustration portrays a grumpy-looking person wearing a hoodie. Their arms are folded, and their thought bubble shows black scrambled marks.

The process of growing into a thoughtful and trustworthy person isn't about never having the urge to do something that you know is wrong but would feel good in the moment; it's about growing and strengthening the discernment to ignore the yetzer hara and listen to the yetzer tov, the voice that says WAIT YOUR TURN and TELL THE TRUTH and MEET YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES and so on.An illustration shows a hand cupped around an ear, listening to three text bubbles: "Wait your turn,” and "Tell the truth," and "Meet your responsibilities."

I know there are religious and cultural traditions that contain the idea of SINNING IN ONE'S HEART, the notion that wanting to do the bad thing is just as bad as doing it. My fear about this, on a parenting level, is that it focuses kids away from choosing a correct and just action because they already feel sunk. An illustration presents the outline of an anatomical human heart, with wisps of smoke billowing from its main arteries. The text on the heart reads, “Sinning in one’s heart.”An illustration shows a child at a crossroads. The signpost on the left path reads "Correct and just action." The signpost on the right path reads "Wrong and unjust action." The child wears a shirt that says “They, Them, Theirs,” and they look confused as they think about the path leading to "wrong and unjust action." A thought bubble that says “Oh no!” accompanies these thoughts.

If they've already transgressed by considering sneaking an extra cookie, then why not actually take the cookie, and then lie if they're asked about it, because after all, they're already bad. What I value in teaching about the yetzer tov and the yetzer hara is that it focuses kids' attention instead on the actions they take, on how they participate in the world, which feels much more within a person's control.An illustration shows two identical images of a child holding up two cookies taken from a cookie jar. The image on the right is the child thinking about the image on the left.An illustration shows a child chewing and thinking, "I would never." A beating heart is visible over their chest.An illustration shows a child inspecting a cookie taken from a cookie jar.

As a parent, I also find this helpful for myself. As a notably impatient person who struggles constantly with the impulse to yell about things, I have really worried about how this would affect my kids. I never want to be impatient with them. I sometimes am anyway, but I have learned that this is a place where I need to really, really tune in to my own yetzer tov and take the better action, even when my yetzer hara is practically shouting at me. Turns out, I haven't become any more patient since I've had children (less, probably, because I'm not sleeping as much and someone is always interrupting me).An illustration shows a pair of hands clapping against a megaphone in use.An illustration shows a close-up of an anxious-looking person wearing glasses. The person hears, "Yell!" in one ear and "Be patient" in the other. An illustration shows a close-up of a person wearing glasses, who looks startled by a text bubble from a child calling out, "Papa!"

\An illustration shows two identical images of a person’s hands typing on a laptop with music blaring from outside. The person says, "Friend, you can continue this concert either outside or in fifteen minutes." The image on the left is the person thinking about the image on the right. However, I have considerably developed my ability to imagine what a patient person would do and to do that, because it turns out that what I actually do matters a lot more than what I first consider doing, and I am also more able to turn down the self-flagellating inner voice telling me I'm an awful parent because my first impulse isn't my best one- both abilities that are pretty much exactly what I want for my children as well. An illustration shows a hand holding up a megaphone. A text bubble that says "awful parent" extends from the megaphone, with the tail of the bubble cut off.

May you strengthen your own Yetzer HaTov this year– and remember that your Yetzer HaRa only makes you human. Nothing more, nothing less.

Photo of a white person with a beautiful Ashkenazi face, a greying beard, a vest, a blue stripey shirt and a blue flowerey tie with glasses on his head. — The inimitable S. Bear Bergman

S. Bear Bergman is a storyteller, the author of nine books, and founder of Flamingo Rampant press, which makes feminist, culturally diverse children’s books celebrating 2SLGBTQ+ kids, families, and communities. Bear began his work in equity at the age of 15, as a founding member of the first ever Gay/Straight Alliance, and has continued to help organizations and institutions move further along the pathways to justice ever since. These days Bear spends his time making trans cultural competency interventions however he can (including his wildly successful new show The First Jew In Canada: A Trans Tale) and trying to avoid stepping on his children’s Lego. Learn more at www.sbearbergman.com

Saul Freedman-Lawson is a zine-maker, a camp counsellor, a bookseller at Another Story Bookshop, and the illustrator of Special Topics in Being a Human (Arsenal Pulp Press, 2021). They are also the illustrator of the zine NOT HOME: True Stories From Abandoned Places, by Twoey Gray, and the writer and illustrator of Naturally (Old Growth, 2021). They make art about queerness, transness, Judaism, disability, and childhood, among other things. They like to draw people with big noses and big genders. Learn more at https://www.sfreedmanlawson.com/.

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Sending a big pile of blessings and goodness your way. 💕

[[1]]: And the gendered nature of it all made it worse! The language of "good boy" and "good girl" really reiterated the idea that the qualities of “good” in a boy would be different from the qualities of “good” in a girl, and that no other genders are tolerated, all of which I was busy parenting in a straight line away from. You can’t imagine someone saying to a preschooler, “Are you a good kid?” and, by that, meaning the same as, “Are you a good boy?” The former is about spirit, and the latter is plainly about obedience. (RDR adds: For more of Bear's gender brilliance, don't sleep on his essay collections: Butch Is a Noun, The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You and, perhaps the tenderest of them all, Blood, Marriage, Wine and Glitter.)

Guest Post: S. Bear Bergman is feeling... inclined

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Now, to the fun stuff:

Turning the mic over to Bear:

The Yetzer Hatov and the Yetzer Hara

By S. Bear Bergman

I refute the entire premise.

In fact, we’re all everything, all the time.

The work of becoming an adult is in learning to discern which inclination is speaking and how much heed we should accord it.

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A note on the subscription model:

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